Feeling Disconnected?

When Getting Your Message Right Gets in the Way of Being Heard

Picture this, it is Tuesday morning and you’re in yet another meeting. Someone asks you a question. You know the answer, but you want to explain it properly.

So you start talking. You give the context, and then another detail comes to mind. You decide to add that too, just in case.

You notice the other person looking slightly confused, so you try to explain it from another angle.

They nod and you keep going. A few minutes later, you finally feel like you landed the point you were trying to make. 

And then you look around the room again and realise something: You’ve been talking to your own thoughts, rather than the people in front of you.

This happens more often than we realise, particularly when the conversation matters and emotions run high.

You want to sound competent. You want to be accurate. You don't want to be misunderstood and you definitely want to make sure you've covered everything.

So naturally your attention moves inward. You ask yourself:

Did that make sense?

Did I explain that properly?

Should I give them more context?

Maybe I should clarify that point...

And while you're busy managing your message, you're paying less and less attention to the people actually receiving it.

That creates two common problems I see everyday.

1. You become so focused on getting your message right that you lose connection with the people listening.

Remember when you were presenting an idea to your manager. You've prepared carefully. You knew your subject. But instead of watching the room, you were mentally checking your performance.

You might have been thinking about the next sentence. You may remember the example you wanted to include. You wondered whether you sounded confident enough.

See, all too often your attention is on delivering the message, rather than connecting the message to the person.

The irony is that the more you focus on getting it exactly right, the less likely you are to notice what is actually happening in the room.

2. You struggle to read whether people are engaged, confused or losing interest.

People rarely announce: "Tim, I'm confused." Instead, you might see a slight change in their expression.

Their eyes move away or they stop taking notes.

Their posture contorts uncomfortably in the chair. And they start looking at their phone.

Or perhaps they simply tune out.

None of these signals tells you exactly what they're thinking. But they give you valuable information.

The problem is that when your attention is locked onto your own performance, those signals can pass you by completely. 

You don't get the feedback because you're not really looking for it and the information that could have helped you change the energy in the room slips through the cracks.

So, what is the antidote? 

Simple, stop trying to deliver the message and start reading the room

Here's something simple to practise: Say your point, then look for the response.

That's it.

Don't immediately fill the silence. Don't add three more explanations because you feel slightly uncomfortable.

Give the other person a moment to process what you've said.

Then observe. Are they leaning in? Are they nodding? Do they look confused? Are they reaching for a question? Has their attention moved somewhere else?

You don't need to become an expert in body-language. (although it helps)

You simply need to become more interested in the feedback your communication is creating.

For example:

"My recommendation is that we delay the launch by two weeks because we're still carrying too much technical risk."

Then stop. Look at the room and hold space.

If someone says, "Why two weeks?" you've got your opening.

If they look confused, ask:

"Does that make sense?"

If they disagree, explore it.

If they immediately start discussing the implications, follow the conversation rather than dragging them back through the explanation you prepared.

This is the shift:

Don't communicate at people. Communicate with them.

Your preparation matters.

Knowing your message matters.

Being clear matters.

But communication isn't complete when the words leave your mouth.

It's complete when you understand what happened after they landed.

That requires something many capable professionals find surprisingly difficult:

letting go of the need to get it perfect and paying attention to what's actually happening.

The room is giving you feedback all the time.

The question is:

Are you present enough to notice it?