Networking awkward

From awkward small talk to genuine connection

Have you ever walked into a networking event, looked around the room and wondered what on earth you're supposed to do next?

Perhaps you spot a group of people already deep in conversation. You consider joining them, but you don't want to interrupt. So you grab a drink, check your phone, or suddenly become very interested in the ingredients printed on the label of your drink.

Eventually, someone approaches. "Hi, what do you do?" they ask. You explain your role, ask the same question in return, exchange a few pleasantries and then reach that familiar conversational dead end.

"So, how about this weather?" And just when you're wondering how to gracefully escape, the food arrives.

Sound familiar? It's fascinating how people who are intelligent, capable and confident in their professional roles can suddenly struggle with something as seemingly simple as talking to another person.

These are people who solve complex problems, analyse data, design systems and manage projects. Yet, put them in a room without an agenda, and they can feel completely out of their depth.

So why can talking to a stranger feel harder than solving a technical problem?

Why networking can feel uncomfortable?

Technical work often comes with a problem to solve, a process to follow and an outcome to measure. You can prepare, analyse and work towards a solution.

Networking is different. There is no guaranteed outcome, no prescribed process and certainly no manual explaining what to do when a conversation runs dry.

For technically minded professionals, a few common fears can make networking particularly uncomfortable.

1. "I don't know what to say."

When you're used to purposeful conversations, small talk can feel pointless.

What do I say? What interests this person? And what if I waste their time? You don't need a brilliant opening line. Just give the conversation somewhere to start like: "Have you been to one of these events before?"

The goal isn't to demonstrate your intelligence. It's to give someone an opportunity to share something about themselves and kick off the conversation.

2. "What if I run out of things to say?"

You ask a question, they answer, and you ask another. Before long, networking feels like a job interview because you're preparing your next question instead of listening.

If someone mentions a challenging infrastructure project, try exploring their answer: "What made it so challenging? The technical complexity or getting everyone aligned?" 

The secret to keeping a conversation going isn't having more to say. It's becoming more interested in what's already being said. And remember, a pause isn't a failure. You don't have to fill every silence.

3. "What if they think I'm boring, or I have nothing valuable to offer?"

Surrounded by experienced professionals, it's easy to compare yourself with others and feel you have something to prove. So you overexplain your role or list your achievements, trying to establish your credibility before anyone has even asked.

Your expertise matters no doubt, but you don't need to deliver your professional biography in the first two minutes. Share your experience when it's relevant, ask questions when you're curious and contribute when you have something useful to add.

Being interesting isn't the same as being impressive. Often, the most memorable people are those who make others feel comfortable enough to be themselves.

What networking looks like when it's done right.

Recently, I attended a Dinner event, featuring delicious food prepared by Michelin-star chef Robert Mars.

What made the evening special wasn't just the food, although it was absolutely delicious. It was the time built into the experience. There was room before, between and after courses to relax, mingle and connect without feeling rushed.

It was a wonderful reminder that networking works best when we stop treating conversations as transactions and start seeing them as opportunities to connect. When people feel comfortable, genuine curiosity replaces the pressure to impress. And that's where meaningful relationships begin.

What are the ingredients for great networking?

The good news? You don't need an elaborate strategy, impressive opening lines or a personality transplant. You need just three essential ingredients.

1. Composure: Give yourself permission to relax

Take a breath and slow down. The person opposite you is another human being, not an examination panel. You don't need to impress everyone or eliminate nervousness. You just need to stop it from dictating how you behave.

2. Curiosity: Discover what matters to the other person

Ask open questions and pay attention to what excites people, challenges them or matters to them. Explore their answers rather than jumping to the next question. Don't ask simply to keep the conversation going; ask because you genuinely want to understand.

3. Empathy: Listen to understand, not to respond

Are you really listening, or already preparing your next sentence? Listen for the meaning behind their words: what excites them, concerns them or matters to them. You don't need to agree with someone to understand their perspective.

Sometimes, a thoughtful follow-up question is more valuable than a clever comment.

How to go from instant-noodle chat to a Michelin-star conversation?

The ingredients are remarkably simple. A little composure. A healthy dose of curiosity sprinkled with some empathy. Yet, like cooking, it's not just about having the ingredients. It's about how you combine them.

Most networking conversations are a bit like instant noodles. They're quick, convenient and get you across the line. Meaning, you exchange a few pleasantries, ask what someone does, share your own job title and move on. It fills the time, but rarely leaves a lasting impression.

But with the same basic ingredients, you can create something far more memorable. When you're thoughtful about your questions, genuinely curious about the answers and attentive to how you respond, an ordinary exchange can become a Michelin-star-quality conversation.

You don't need complicated techniques or a perfectly rehearsed introduction. You simply need to be mindful of how you bring the ingredients together.

What people remember isn't your impressive job title, your perfectly delivered introduction or the number of business cards you've collected.

It's the feeling of having connected with another person. Of being listened to, understood and appreciated. It's that moment when networking stops feeling like networking and becomes two people genuinely enjoying each other's company.

Those are the moments people remember. And over time, those are the foundations on which strong professional relationships grow.

So next time you walk into a networking event, leave the pressure to impress at the door. Take a breath. Get curious. Listen properly. Be thoughtful about what you say and how you say it.

You might be surprised by what happens when you stop trying so hard to network and start connecting with people instead. 

Great networking isn't about being the most impressive person in the room. It's about creating a connection that makes both people glad they met.