Pulled into bad Habits small conversation is where new behaviours begin.

Just this morning, a client texted me: “I knew what I wanted to say, I knew the frame I wanted to use, and then it didn’t come out the way I thought it would at all, so frustrating.”

And sadly, this is something I hear regularly in my work with people. They know what they want to say. They know how they should communicate. They understand the tools and techniques.

You probably also noticed that knowing what you should do and actually doing it when it matters are two very different things?

For example: you know you should slow down when you speak in public, but yet you race your words.  You know you shouldn't over-explain, but you add details anyway. You know that asking a probing question would be more useful than immediately defending your position, but yet you speak in statements.

It's easy to think this means you need more confidence, more discipline or perhaps another communication technique. But, I'm not sure that's the problem.

I think we're underestimating the gravitational pull of our existing behaviour.

Entertain the idea of a planet for a moment. It doesn't just decide one day that it's going to move into a completely different orbit. Its existing trajectory has momentum, and gravity keeps pulling it along the path it's already travelling.

Our behaviour can work in much the same way.

Over time, we build patterns. We learn how to respond to pressure, how to handle conflict, how to speak in public when we're nervous, how to protect ourselves when we feel exposed. 

Eventually, those patterns become familiar enough that we don't have to think about them.

They become our default, our habit.

That's actually a useful thing most of the time. Imagine having to consciously decide how to respond to every conversation, every question and every small social interaction. We'd never get anything done. So we create a belief system that keeps the pattern in orbit.

The problem comes when the pattern that once helped us is no longer the pattern we need.

Maybe you were rewarded for being the person who always had the answer, so now you find it difficult to say, "I don't know."

Or maybe you've built your career on being thorough, so when you're under pressure you give people more information instead of helping them see what matters.

Or you've learned to stay invisible by keeping your emotions out of sight, but now people find it difficult to read you or connect with you.

The behaviour makes sense. It's just no longer taking you where you want to go.

And this is where I think we sometimes set ourselves up for disappointment when we're trying to develop a new skill.

We learn something, we understand it and now we want to apply it. 

Then we walk into the next high-pressure meeting and our old pattern is waiting for us.

Of course it is…

It has years of practice behind it. The new behaviour has one workshop. The old behaviour has thousands of repetitions. That's not failure. That's just physics.

If we want to change our trajectory, we need to create enough momentum in a different direction.

Perhaps public speaking is a good example. You can learn how to structure a presentation. You can understand how to use your voice, where to pause, how to engage an audience and how to manage your nerves.

But the first few times you try it, it may feel awkward.

You're thinking about the technique while you're trying to have a conversation with an audience. You're remembering to breathe, slow down, make eye contact, pause, ask the question...

It can feel anything but natural.

And that's okay, you're building a new pattern.

With practice, the conscious effort starts to reduce. Your nervous system begins to learn that this new behaviour is safe, familiar and effective. Eventually, what once required enormous concentration becomes something you can access more naturally. 

You've started to change your orbit. And I think this applies to far more than public speaking.

It's what happens when you practise composure in an everyday conversation instead of waiting until you're standing in front of a room.

It's what happens when you notice where your attention has gone during a difficult conversation and deliberately bring it back to the outcome you want to create.

It's what happens when you practise clarity by getting to the point in a low-stakes conversation, rather than trying to fix your communication only when the CEO asks you a difficult question.

It's what happens when you build trust by allowing your expertise to speak for itself rather than feeling you need to prove it.

It's what happens when you practise connection by becoming curious about another person's perspective instead of preparing your response while they're still talking.

And it's what happens when you allow conversations to flow without trying to perform your way through them.

The six elements don't suddenly appear when you're under pressure. You practise them everywhere. That's the part I think we often miss.

We wait for the big moment to practise being the person we want to be in the big moment.

But the big moment is where we discover the pattern we've been practising all along.

The small moments are where we get to change it.

So perhaps the goal isn't to make a dramatic transformation overnight.

Perhaps it's to move the needle.

One conversation where you pause instead of reacting. One meeting where you say less and allow your point to land. One presentation where you notice the nerves without letting them decide how you speak.

One difficult conversation where you become curious instead of defensive. One moment where you catch yourself doing the old thing and choose something different. Those moments might not feel significant at the time. But they stack up.

And eventually, the new behaviour begins to have momentum of its own. The gravitational pull of the old pattern hasn't necessarily disappeared. You've simply become better at creating your own trajectory.

That's why awareness matters so much. You can't change a pattern you don't notice.

So perhaps the question isn't, "How do I become more confident?" Maybe it's:

"What behaviour am I practising every day, and where is it taking me?"

Because, and this is the important part, every conversation is an opportunity to practise the person, and the leader, you want to become. 

You don't need to leap into a completely different orbit. You just need to keep moving the needle. Little wins, repeated often enough, have a way of becoming a new way of being one step at a time.