Transform Tension Into Productivity With This One Communication Habit

Over the past decade, I’ve worked with countless clients who come to me frustrated and stuck. One scenario keeps showing up, again and again, across teams, companies, and industries.

A client will say something like: “I just can’t get my team aligned, every conversation turns into tension or defensiveness, and we never reach a productive outcome.”

It’s not the specifics that matter, the people, the roles, the projects vary. The underlying problem is always the same.

Let me share one story to illustrate what I mean.

The meeting was supposed to be straightforward.

In a financial services firm, my client, Chen, presents a risk assessment. Halfway through, the operations lead questioned several assumptions.

The questions weren’t personal or aggressive, but they landed badly and Chen felt attacked.

Almost immediately, Chen felt it, the tightening in the chest, the irritation, the sense of being put on the spot. Something has gone off course.

Inside her mind, a story began to form:

They’re undermining me.
They don’t respect my experience.
Why is it always my work that gets picked apart?

Nothing else has changed. But the internal landscape has.

Chen immediately became more guarded. Explanations turn sharper and longer, more detailed. 

The conversation lost its rhythm. By the end of the meeting, alignment hadn't been reached, not because the issue was complex, but because the connection had thinned out.

Trust has quietly taken a hit. 

So, what happened?

Most workplace conflict unfolds this way, not through hostility, but through the silent stories we create when things don’t go as we expect.

When we feel frustrated, annoyed, angry or upset, the mind starts interpreting, assigning meaning, and deciding intent. 

Emotion comes first; the story follows, fast.

And that story shapes reality.

We decide who we are - overlooked, disrespected, or dismissed.

We decide who they are - the problem, the obstacle, the threat.

Once these roles are assigned, the relationship subtly shifts.

As the story in our minds strengthens, our focus moves away from what actually needs to happen. 

We now fixate on what shouldn’t be happening rather than what needs to happen.

The result? Composure drops. Perspective narrows. Collaboration gives way to defence and curiosity disappears.

This is where the real cost comes into play, because unchecked, these moments accumulate.

People now engage because they have to, not because they want to and distance grows. 

Conversations become efficient but cold. Cooperation becomes transactional. Trust erodes, not through betrayal, but through the emotional distance.

The work gets done, but the energy changes. Culture shifts from solution-focused to self-protective. Now it is me against them and this attitude is dangerous.

And it all began with an unexamined internal story.

You see, we don’t react to people,  we react to the story we tell ourselves about them.

Once we become mindful of the story in our minds, we regain choice.

Instead of asking, “How can I make them see I’m right?”, we ask:

What decision am I making right now, and what is it serving?

Is it feeding ego or drama? 

Or is it helping the relationship, the work, and the outcome we actually need?

A single pause can restore composure. 

A single choice can restore perspective.

Back to the meeting. Same room. Same challenge. Replayed differently.

This time replaying the event in training, Chen notices the reaction forming and pauses and reflects.

What if this isn’t about undermining me?
What if this is about stress-testing the model?

Immediately Chen chose to respond differently:

“That’s a fair challenge. Let’s walk through that assumption together.”

The conversation has the potential to stay grounded. 

The model improves and mutual respect grows.

Nothing about the disagreement changed. Only the internal story did.

Why This Matters

Conflict is inevitable. Disconnection is not.

When we lose awareness, emotion hijacks focus, behaviour, and ultimately changes culture. 

When we manage the stories we create in our minds, and what they serve, we stop poisoning the environment with “negative attitudes” and start building solutions.

Composure returns. Clarity follows. 

People collaborate because they want to, not because they have to.

That’s not just better communication.

It’s better business.

A Practical 3 Step Pause Framework

When you feel the internal story forming, try this three-step pause:

1. Notice the Emotion
Identify what you’re feeling without judgement. “I’m frustrated,” or “I feel overlooked.” Naming it reduces its grip.

2. Examine the Story
Ask: What story am I telling myself? Is it true? Is it helpful? Recognising the narrative lets you interrupt automatic assumptions.

3. Choose Your Decision
Decide deliberately how to act. Ask: Is my response serving ego or drama, or the outcome we need? Respond in a way that aligns with the objective, not the emotion.

Even a few seconds of pause can change the trajectory of a conversation, restore composure, and protect trust. 

Over time, this builds a team culture where people work together because they want to, not because they feel they have to.

You know conflict will always show up in our work and relationships, it is something we have little to no control over, just like you have no control over today's weather. 

What we can control though, is the story we tell ourselves in those moments. 

By noticing the emotion, examining the story, and choosing our response, we not only protect trust and collaboration, we actively shape the culture we want to be part of. 

Every small pause, every conscious choice, adds up to teams that solve problems together rather than letting tension silently take over.

Happy 2026 everybody!