When Focus Starts Leaking

How rushing, overthinking and second-guessing reveal where your attention has drifted.

You know these types of meetings, your body is sitting in the room, but your mind is somewhere completely different.

You're listening to someone speak, but you're already thinking about what you're going to say next. 

Or you're halfway through an answer, and suddenly you're wondering whether you're making sense, and now you're having two conversations at one time. And that’s exhausting.

I became curious about how we handle our attention because we tend to talk about focus as though it simply means concentrating harder. Pay attention, stay focused or don't get distracted.

But attention doesn't really work like that, see attention has a direction.

And under pressure, it moves very quickly and we lose control.

Picture this, you're presenting an idea to a senior leader and they ask you a question you weren't expecting, or were nervous about already beforehand.

Your attention could move towards the person in front of you and what they need from you right now. Or it could move somewhere else entirely like:  Do they think I'm wrong? Did that answer sound stupid, am I missing something? Why are they looking at me like that?

You're still speaking, but you're no longer entirely focused on the conversation outside yourself.

You're managing yourself inside the conversation. And that's where things can start to unravel, fast.

You might notice yourself talking faster even though you don’t want to, adding information you don't really need or searching for the perfect phrase while you're already speaking.

The interesting thing is that none of these behaviours necessarily mean you lack confidence or communication ability. They may simply be clues about where your attention has leakage.

And it’s not an inexperienced speaking problem only, I've seen this happen with incredibly capable people.

Someone can know their subject inside out, yet the moment the stakes rise, their attention shifts from communicating what they know to the other person to managing what they think everyone else might be thinking about them, while trying to avoid obstacles that might not even exist. 

And once that happens, everything becomes harder because we lost the connection to the room.

So here's the question I tell my clients to asking themselves more often:

Where is my attention right now?

Don’t ask, am I focused enough? 

Where is your attention actually pointing?

Is it on the person you’re speaking to? Or is it locked on the outcome I'm trying to create? Or are you busy trying to manage the possibility of getting something wrong?

There's a subtle difference between those states of attention, but the effect on communication is enormous.

Think about a conversation you've had recently where you felt completely present.

Perhaps you were talking to someone you trusted, discussing something you knew very intimately. It’s likely you weren't monitoring your voice. You weren't wondering what your hands were doing. You weren't rehearsing the next sentence in your head.

You were simply there. And even though the topic was heavy, the conversation had a sense of ease to it.

That's what makes focus so interesting in communication or when speaking in public when the stakes are naturally a bit higher. Good focus isn't necessarily more concentration. It's a better direction. 

So, the next time you notice yourself getting caught up in your own thoughts during a conversation, presentation or meeting, don't immediately try to push the thoughts away.

Simply notice them and understand where your attention has drifted to. Then ask:

Where do I want my attention to go?

Back to the person? Back to the question? Back to the point you're trying to make? Back to the outcome you're trying to create?

Sometimes that's enough to change the entire quality and outcome of the conversation.

Because here’s the rip, when your attention moves, your behaviour tends to follow.

When your pace can settle, your tone can change. You become more able to listen. You have more room to choose your words. And perhaps most importantly, you're no longer spending all your energy trying to manage yourself. You're simply communicating mindfully.

So the next time you feel yourself getting caught up in your head, don't ask yourself to focus harder. Get curious instead. Ask: Where is my attention?

And then, gently, choose where you want it to go with it. Truth is, you can't always control what enters your mind. But with awareness, you can become much more intentional about where you place your attention.

And that small shift can change what happens in your next conversation.